


Self Discovery Sucks

by douchebag_T_rex



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Dubious Consent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-10-03
Packaged: 2017-12-13 06:57:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/821365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/douchebag_T_rex/pseuds/douchebag_T_rex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat Vantas is trying to get over his best friend and ex girlfriend forming a relationship. On top of that, he's a freshman in a new school and hates everyone.<br/>Nepeta Leijon is in a possessive and controlling relationship with Equius Zahhak, who doesn't want her to befriend Karkat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hate Everyone

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, I fucked up everyone's age because I love making things hard for myself. Here's a handy list of who is in what grade. (Some characters may not show up, but all will be mentioned at least once.)  
> Freshmen: Dave, Rose, Karkat, Gamzee, Terezi, Tavros, Nepeta  
> Sophomores: Sollux, Aradia, Vriska  
> Juniors: Kanaya, Equius, Meenah, Kurloz  
> Seniors: Damara, Eridan, Cronus, Roxy  
> College: Dirk, Latula, Aranea, 
> 
> Ancestors/decendants are siblings. Yes Eridan and Cronus are twins. The Striders are cousins to the Lalondes.  
> This is written from Karkat's and Nepeta's POV and they alternate every chapter.  
> This chapter is named after Say Anything's song, "Hate Everyone"

  
**Karkat** _  
_   


_Only seven more months of this hell_ , I think to myself as I close my locker and make my way toward the south end of the school. It would be faster to take the main stairwell by the lockers, but it's always crowded. I avoid everyone in this hellhole as much as humanly possible. I am only two months into high school and I already can't stand it. I try to put it into perspective; only three years and seven months to go, but that doesn't help much. As I reach the small stairwell that leads to the library I'm stopped by Terezi.

“Goddammit! I can't get one fucking moment to myself in this place, can I? How did you find me anyway?” I say to her.

She laughs, showing off her abnormally pointy teeth. The teeth that used to clash into mine and make my tongue bleed. No, stop thinking about that.

“Well for one, Karkat, you always take the same route out of the school. If you don't want to be found, don't be so fucking predictable! And you know that once I've got a scent, no one can escape me.” She taps my calf with her cane.

“Ugh, Gog So what do you want, Terezi?” I roll my eyes and she whacks my leg again. For a blind chick, she has good aim. How she knew I rolled my eyes, I'll never know. Sometimes I feel like she actually sees better than the rest of us.

“We're all going to the 7Eleven.” She says, “And you're fucking coming because you haven't hung out with us at all this week!”

I groan. I don't feel like going anywhere. I feel like going home and laying face down in bed until I suffocate and die. But I agree to go with her.

 

We're all sitting behind 7Eleven by the dumpster. Aradia has her back against the brick wall, knees against her chest, holding a 99 cent can of Arizona. She doesn't talk much, just sits with us and looks at her lap. She always has cigarettes to share though, so we like her. Sollux is sitting next to me packing a bowl and going on about his stupid math teacher, but none of us are listening. I'm too focused on my best friend and my ex girlfriend. And they're too focused on making out with each other.

Gamzee is a good friend. He asked me about how I'd feel if he asked Terezi out before he did it. I said I didn't mind, and I don't! I'm not jealous or sad, I AM the one who broke it off in the first place, but it's weird. And part of me hates both of them now. Even though I have no right to hate either of them. I guess I'm just kind of an asshole.

“Hey, man, are you taking this or what?” I realize Sollux is holding the bowl out for me.

“Yeah, stop fucking lisping at me, I was just about to take a hit.” I snap at him and see his face drop a bit. Okay, yeah. I am a little angry about the Gamzee and Terezi thing. Nothing a bit of weed can't fix though. The bowl is roasting but I hold a lighter to it anyway and inhale slowly to get as much as I can.

“Go, Vantas!” I hear a voice in the distance say. Then I hear skateboard wheels skidding across concrete and the _clap_ of someone holding it down with their shoe. It's Dave Strider and some blonde girl. I let my smoke out and give the bowl to Aradia, who gives me a cigarette in return.

“So, I don't know if you've noticed, but I have a hot senior girl at my side who would like a spot on that concrete thing you guys are so comfortably sitting on.” Strider says, flashing a grin at all of us. Gog, he is so hateable but I still want to be around him all the time. He's cool. He fits into every crowd like a fucking blank Scrabble tile. It doesn't matter where he is, he still fits in and people like him.

“Wow, Dave. That is _so_ funny.” The girl says. “I'm Roxy, Dave's cousin.” She sits next to me on the concrete parking spot blocking thing. What the fuck do you even call these things?

I'm about to introduce myself when Strider sits down on the other side of her and takes his own bowl out of his backpack. “Let's get another one going. It's Friday, time to fucking party!”

“Yeah, motherfuckers. 'Cept every day is party day for me.” Gamzee says. He's broken away from Terezi, who is now laying across his lap with an arm behind her head.

“Yeah, exactly how many classes have you attended this year, Gam?” She snickers.

“Hey, this motherfucking school ain’t worth my presence.” He grabs at her exposed belly skin, making her laugh. I turn away, blushing uncomfortably.

“Yeah so some more people are coming in a little while and we're going to my house. My mom is away again so everyone's welcome. There's enough booze in my house for ten times this amount of people.” Roxy says. I can tell she sensed my discomfort. Am I really that obvious? I light my cigarette to distract myself.


	2. Property

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nepeta meets Karkat.

**Nepeta**

“I don't know what these people will be like, Nepeta. You know how Dave Strider is. He doesn't care what kind of scum he's around. Thankfully, Vriska and Meenah are coming. If we're surrounded by losers we'll have _someone_ to talk to _._ ” Equius is at the wheel going on about how I should act and who I should talk to and bluh bluh bluh. I've only been dating him for seven weeks, we got together shortly after school started, but I am really starting to dislike the situation. What can I do though? Everyone knows him, if I break up with him I'll be known as 'the girl who broke Equius's heart' for the rest of my high school career. So I agree with him on everything and do what he wants me to do. In all honesty, he scares me a little bit.

 _No, stop thinking about that. Everything is fine!_ I try to push my fearful thoughts away but I can't help but think about the day a few weeks ago when he pulled me by the arm so hard that I bruised. I'd been talking to Tavros on Pesterchum when Equius came over. He doesn't want me talking to Tav anymore so he grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the computer. Then he started telling Tavros awful things, he told him I hated him and didn't want to be friends anymore. Since Equius was logged into my account, it looked like I was saying all that stuff! I cried and then Equius comforted me and told me it was okay. I tried really hard to believe him, but still called Tavros later to explain. We've had to keep our friendship a secret since then.

I hope I meet someone nice that Equius approves of today. His friends are nice and all, but it's almost like they're off limits or something.

The car stops and I see a bunch of teenagers sitting by a dumpster. Equius would never admit it, but the reason we're here is because he's lonely. Most of his friends are away at college this year and he hates most of the people at school. So he's developed a liking for freshmen, i.e. me.

As we're getting out of Equius's car, Vriska's car pulls up to us.

“I smell seaweeeeed!” Meenah shouts out the passenger window. She jumps out of the car and approaches the group of kids. I wish I had her confidence. I'm just standing here practically glued to Equius until he starts walking.

“So you know these people?” He asks Vriska.

“Sort of,” she replies “Terezi is Latula Pyrope's little sister and she's pretty cool. Then there's Dave Strider, Sollux Captor, Makara's younger brother, and Damara Megido's weird little sister. She's in my year and I don't think I've ever heard her talk. Just ignore her.”

“Ugh, this is going to be a nightmare, isn't it? Roxy's a drunk slut, why are we even friends with her?” Equius scoffed. I looked at my shoes.

“Uh, I'm pretty sure it's because she can get us booze whenever we want and her mom is never home. It's not like we're _seriously_ friends with her. She's just useful.” Vriska sneered at me. “Right, kitty cat? Meow for me, pussy!”

My stomach had already been clenched during their conversation but now it's doing flips. I hate Vriska, all she does is make fun of me and Equius doesn't do anything about it. He laughs at me too.

“C'mon, meeoooww for us, little kitty bitch.” She laughs and so does Equius. I want to cry. But I'm stronger than that so I meow for them which sends them into a fit of laughter.

Equius wraps his arm around my shoulders possessively as we approach the group. I stay silent as he introduces us and chooses a spot to sit against the wall. I'm sitting across from a short, skinny boy who looks angry. I know him, his name is Karkat but I call him Karkitty. Just in my head though, because I've never actually spoken to him. He's in a lot of my classes and always seems so cross. I want to cheer him up. Not just because I think he's cute either. Jegus, I need to stop thinking that. For all I know, someone here is a mind reader and will start making fun of me.

Equius taps me on the shoulder and startles me. He says he's going into the 7Eleven to get a snack. I tell him I'll wait for him here. Now's my chance to talk to Karkitty. I smile at him and he shoots me a half-smile-mostly-grimace thing. He's such a grumpy kitty.

“Hi, I'm Nepeta.” I barely manage to squeak out. “I've seen you in some of my classes and stuff...” I look down to avoid eye contact. This is too embarrassing. I should have gone in the store with Equius.

“Hey.” Karkat replies “Yeah I know you too. What happened to the ears?” He asks, glancing at the top of my head and blowing smoke in my face.

“Oh, I just. Well, I used to wear that jacket with the cat hood all the time but Equius doesn't like it so I stopped wearing it for him a few weeks ago.” I say quietly, running my hand across my head.

“Bullshit.” Karkat practically spit the word out. “Wear it anyway, piss him off. He'll get used to it.”

I giggle and shake my head. “Oh no, I couldn't possibly do that. It's mean!”

“So?” He raises an eyebrow at me. “He seems like a fucking nooksucker and I've only known him for five minutes. You're too nice.”

“You think I should be mean all the time like you?”

“I am not mean. I'm blunt. I'm like a fucking brand new pencil alright. Actually, no, I'm the pencil that breaks every time you put it in the sharpener. People are irritated with me because I keep breaking and I'm irritated with them because they keep trying to change me. Wow that metaphor really got away from me...” He takes a drag from his cigarette and offers it to me. “Shorts?” He asks.

I pause for a moment. Equius would be so mad. He smokes, drinks, and does drugs but says I'm not allowed to. This is a great way to piss him off. So I take it and inhale. It's not as bad as people say, My throat itches a bit but I suppose breathing in mom's second hand smoke since birth has prepared me.

“Thanks.” I say. “Equius will kill me though.” I smile at the scrawny boy in front of me and he smiles back. For real this time.

“Fuck that guy.” Karkat says, making me laugh.

 

“What the fuck, Nepeta?”

I whip around and see Equius standing over me holding a bag of chips and an energy drink.

“I left you for five minutes and you're getting cozy with some idiot and smoking a cigarette! Have you no respect?” Equius hisses the last part at me and grabs my wrist, pulling me off the ground.

“I'm sorry, I didn't think it was a big deal, I mean... you smoke so I didn't think you'd care. And I'm not _getting cozy_. I'm just having a conversation!” I try to sound strong but my voice is soft and wavering. He lets go of my wrist and I sit down to hide the way I stumbled backward.

“Fine.” He says. He's giving me the look that says whatever he does next is my fault. It's his scariest look. “Everyone here sucks anyway, I'm leaving.” He turns on his heel and starts walking back to his car, Vriska follows and clings to his arm but he shakes her off. “I might be at your party later, Roxy. Depends on my situation.” He calls back. I know what that means.

I get up and run to him. “I'm really sorry, Equius, I didn't mean to, it will never happen again, just please don't do anything.” I'm grovelling. It's not very sincere, but I can't let him do anything stupid. If he kills himself or does a bunch of drugs and has to go to the hospital it will be my fault. And he'll make sure everyone knows it's my fault.

“You disrespected me and humiliated me, Nepeta. Look at them! They're all looking at us and it's your fault! Why do you insist on embarrassing me like this? I thought you loved me.” He put his face in his hands and starts to cry. Gog, not this again. His threats of self harm get more dramatic every time. But I do feel bad. I did embarrass him and it is my fault.

“I'm sorry.” I say, and look at my feet.

“You should be.” He spits and gets into his car. “I'll call you to talk about this later.” He says through the window before rolling it up and driving away. Leaving me alone in this parking lot with everyone staring at me. I deserve it though. I shouldn't have made him angry. Why am I always so stupid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone says anything, I don't dislike Equius's character. I think he's entertaining. But when he is first introduced in Homestuck he's being a controlling asshole. The entire conversation between he and Nepeta made me think about my relationship with a boy in my freshman year of high school. It reminded me of being perceived as weak and being taken advantage of, and then being sucked so far into the relationship that I couldn't see a way out of it.  
> So, yes. This fic is kind of based on my freshman year. Actually, it's reaaalllly scary how much of my life I channeled into these past two chapters without even realizing it. This kind of feels like a good way to get my story out without being ~the whiny victim.~ 
> 
> Oh and this chapter is named after a Say Anything song too.  
> This might become a thing. Yeah it's a thing.


	3. Burn A Miracle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat and Nepeta go to Roxy's party together. Gamzee tries to convince Karkat to make a move on her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! But chapter three is here now and we delve into the plot!  
> Enjoy!  
> (Yeah, Burn A Miracle is a song by Say Anything too. It's definitely a thing now.)

**Karkat**

I am staring at her. I know I shouldn't, but I can't stop. Everyone else is staring too. Nepeta is standing alone on the other side of the parking lot, hanging her head. Her boyfriend just blew up at her and drove away. What a fuckwad. I should do something. What should I do? Oh shit, what the hell do you do in this situation?

Sollux tries to pass me the bowl. “No thanks, bro.” I say. I've just noticed something. Her bag is laying on the asphalt. Perfect.

I pick up the bag and put it over my shoulder. “I'm gonna go give this to her before she leaves, guys.” I say without looking at anyone. I'm still staring at her.

“Go get that hot piece of kitty ass, bro!” Gamzee shouts. I shoot him a dirty look and make my way across the parking lot. When I reach her I don't know what to say. There are tears in her eyes but she doesn't let them fall. Just like me.

“Um, I didn't know if you were gonna like, leave or whatever...” Gog, could I sound any stupider? “So here's your bag.” I hold it out to her and she takes the strap in a shaky hand. It thuds against the ground. She still doesn't look up.

“Are you okay?” I ask. She nods but she's lying. She is definitely not okay and that was a stupid question. “Your boyfriend is a douchebag. I mean, no offense, but that was so out of line and you didn't do anything wrong. He's kind of dramatic. And an idiot because he called me an idiot.” There. She cracked a smile.

“Yeah, he's kind of touchy. I shouldn't have provoked him though. I knew that would happen.” She sighed and looked up at me finally. “Thanks for my bag. I guess I should leave now.”

“No!” Oops I shouted. “I mean, no, you don't have to leave. And I still don't think you provoked him. Just come sit down with us.” I'm shuffling my feet. This is way more uncomfortable than I expected it to be. And now she's the one staring at me with those giant green eyes like Rapunzel or some shit and my stomach feels like there are tiny people having a fucking rave in it and Jegus I'm really hot, it shouldn't be this hot in October.

“I...” She glances over at everyone. “I don't really want to go back there after all of that. But thanks.” She picks up her bag and puts the strap over her head. It's sitting perfectly between her breasts now and I need to find somewhere else to look because she will definitely notice me looking at those perfectly round boobs she's got. I look up at her face.

“What if you and I just hang out? Like. If you want to or whatever. We can go sit at the park or some shit.” I'm kicking myself for sounding so fucking stupid but she actually perks up a little bit.

“That sounds... nice.” She says and looks in the direction Equius drove off in. “He left me here anyway, so I might as well hang out with you.”

“Oh. Okay.” She must have noticed my grimace at her statement because her eyes get wide and she starts apologizing like she just killed my dog or something.

“Oh my Gog, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it like that, don't be mad! I just meant that I should hang out with you despite his disapproval. And like, him leaving kind of gives me the go ahead to do what I want, you know?”

I don't really know, but I pretend I do.

“Yeah, you can do whatever you want. Fuck what he says.” I tell her. “Okay so let's get out of here. It smells like shit anyway.”

 

She and I are walking back toward the school. There's a nice park full of stay at home moms and bored kids over there. I wish I had somewhere better to take her, but there's no where to go in the burbs. Being fourteen sucks. Nepeta seems content though. She's telling me that she usually never goes anywhere. She just moved here and doesn't have many friends. Her best friend Tavros lives in her old town and Equius only ever wants to hang out at her house.

“He never wants to go anywhere with me.” She says. “And whenever I make a friend he scares them off somehow. I only hang out with his friends during lunch and every once in a while after school.”

“Why are you dating him then? It sounds shitty as hell.” I ask. I know it could upset her, but I can't help myself.

She looks away and says “He needs me. He gets upset really easily and he needs me around. I can't break up with him, it would kill him.” She looks at me again with a false smile. “And I love him. It's not all bad, we just have some problems. It's fine, really.”

I can't tell what's making me uncomfortable but something isn't right. There's something wrong with what she's saying and how she's saying it but it's like I can't pinpoint what it is. I just feel uneasy.

“Okay, if you say so.” I tell her. We sit down in the shade of a tree and she takes out a sketchbook and pencil.

“That's cool, I didn't know you were an artist.” I say as I glance at an unfinished drawing of a woman with catlike features.

She laughs, “Not really. I'm just a doodler. I like to keep my hands moving.”

“It's still cool though. I don't do anything interesting.” I say.

“Sure you do!” She says, looking up at me with wide eyes again. “You have a lot of friends that you hang out with!”

“They're... Well yeah they're my friends.” I shrug. “But we don't really do anything interesting. We just sit around and do drugs mostly. I like that crowd though, they're chill. They don't have many expectations of me like everyone else does. But I don't really hang out with them that much anymore.”

“Why?”

“Uhh...” I know I'm turning red. I'd rather not bring this up, but she's asking and I don't want to lie to her. “That skinny girl in the weird guy's lap used to be my girlfriend. She was the one who got me to branch out and talk to more people. A lot of the kids back there were her friends first. But now she's dating my best friend and it's kind of weird. So I just don't come around as much as I used to.”

Nepeta looks at me funny. “Are you mad at them?” She asks.

“Nah, not really. I'm still friends with both of them but it's just weird. I broke up with her in the beginning of the school year because it just wasn't working anymore. And now she's all situated with Gamzee and he told me they're fucking now and it just feels odd to hang out with them now.” I sigh and look up at the tree branches. I sound like a moron talking about my feelings. Nepeta doesn't seem to mind though.

“Woah, that does sound pretty uncomfortable.” She says. She's been neglecting her drawing for several minutes now and I feel proud. As if I've achieved something. She only wants her attention on me. Hah!

“I guess it's not that bad. I just tend to overthink things.” My phone buzzes. I have a text message from Gamzee.

 

_HeY mOtHeRfUcKeR, yOu GeT tHe ~PuSsY~ (lOl) yEt?_

Oh my Gog, he is such a douche. I simply reply _FUCK OFF_.

 

_CoMe To RoXyS pArTy ToNiGhT. BrInG tHe KiTtY gIrL. MiRaClEs HaPpEn At ThEsE pArTiEs MaN._

_WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?_

_It MeAnS tHaT mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs HaPpEn To SkInNy ViRgIn BoYs WhO gEt CuTe GiRls InTo RoXyS gUeSt BeDrOoM bRo!_

_YOU ARE A DISPICABLE HUMAN BEING._

_JuSt CoMe To 545 CeNtRaL iN aN hOuR._

“Uh, so what are you doing tonight?” I ask Nepeta, who has been quietly drawing this whole time. This is not what you think it is. I am just asking if she wants to go to a party. I have no other intentions. Just the same hopes and dreams as every other fourteen year old boy with a miniscule possibility of getting laid.

“Nothing really. Are you asking me if I want to come to that party?” She says, still not looking up.

“Yeah, actually I am. It might be fun, I don't know. And we can always leave if it's stupid.” I look at my foot, which has been steadily working a dent in the dirt from so much fidgeting.

Nepeta's smile catches my eye. She's wearing a huge grin.

“Yes I want to go!” She says. Her enthusiasm startles me. She's usually so quiet. For a second I feel like a king for making her so happy.

“Alright then!” I say as I start to get up. “It takes about an hour to walk all the way over there so do you want to get going now?”

“Okay.” She says. “I'm excited, I've never been to a party before!” She squeals a bit and jumps and I can't help but smile at this strange display of emotion. I like this girl, she's interesting.

Unfortunately, I think her boyfriend might kill me. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

We talked through the entire walk about anything we thought of. There wasn't one pause in the conversation. I haven't connected with someone like this ever before. And now we're here, walking into Roxy LaLonde's house together. I have a sickening feeling that I'm going to wake up soon and it will all have been a dream.

“Vantas!”

Strider is yelling at me from the living room. He leaps over the back of the couch and runs to me.

“Glad you could make it, bro. It's gonna be fucking epic.” Dave Strider is the only person I know who can still say 'epic' without sounding like a fuckhead. He directs his attention toward Nepeta. “And I don't believe we've been formerly introduced, shawty. I'm Dave Strider.” I roll my eyes. No one. And I mean _no one._ Can say 'shawty' without sounding like a fuckhead.

Nepeta is practically glowing as she shakes his hand. “I'm Nepeta.” She says. “I like your sunglasses, they're really cool!” Okay, that's enough of the coolkid now. Let's move on.

“Hey, I see Sollux, want to come say hi with me?” I ask her. I see Dave raise an eyebrow from under his shades at me. He smirks and walks away. Thank you, Dave.

“Sure, let's go! Let's get drinks! Without Equius here I can do whatever I want! I'm letting loose!” She does her little squeal thing again and it makes my stomach flip. Without Equius here I can't get beaten up either. This will be a good night.

Sollux is holding a bottle of vodka in one hand and a bottle of Coke in the other. “Hey, Karkat! How's it going?”

“Pretty good, Sol. Interested in sharing with us?” I say. He starts to groan and opens his mouth to tell me to fuck off, but Nepeta is already seductively leaning into him and reaching for the bottle. She winks at me and makes an 'ick' face while Sollux is entranced by her chest in his face. I have to hold back from laughing at her method of getting what she wanted. She wasn't kidding when she said she was letting loose. I sit down next to her as she takes a drink from the bottle. She grimaces, but doesn't chase it with the Coke. Very impressive.

We all chat and pass the bottle around for a while. Nepeta leans against me and doesn't shrug me off when I put my arm around her. Holy shit. This is me, Karkat Vantas, with my arm around a hot girl at a party. This is either a dream or Heaven is giving me a break for once.

Aradia wanders over and sits down with us.

“Ugh. Damara is here. Someone kill me.” She says as she lights a cigarette. She tosses me the pack.

“I know Damara.” Nepeta says. “What's wrong with her?”

“She's my sister and she's a huge pain in the ass. On top of that, she's the biggest slut in school and I have to hear about it all the time. Xanax?” She takes a few pills out of her pocket and holds the palm of her hand out to us. We each take one to enhance the effects of the booze.

“She's just annoying. I hate being around her.” Aradia continues. “Oh, speak of the devil...”

I turn around and see Damara headed straight for us. Why would she want to talk to us?

“Hey, Nepeta.” She says. Her words are slurring together. “The twins wanna talk to you for a sec, babe.”

“Oh, why?” Nepeta looks confused. I have no idea what's going on, or who the twins are.

“I dunno. Eridan just asked me to come get you. They're in the kitchen, go talk to them.” Damara looks annoyed. She glances at Aradia and makes a face before leaving.

“What's all that about?” I ask Nepeta.

“I'm not sure.” She says. “Eridan and Cronus are pretty nice to me, I should probably see what's going on.” She gets up and walks into the kitchen. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach and I don't know why.

“I'm gonna go find Gamzee.” I tell Sollux and Aradia. I figure they might want some of their private drunk time together. They have the strangest relationship. Best friends while sober, lovers while drunk. I make my way to the den where several people are passing a sheet of paper with a mound of speed on it around the table. Looks like everyone is pooling their ADHD meds.

“KK, come here!” Gamzee is at the head of the table with Terezi at his side. “Where's your girl?” He asks.

“She's talking to some people she knows.” I shrug like it's no big deal.

“What girl?” Terezi asks, lifting her face from the paper and wiping her nose.

“That Nepeta chick that we met today. Karkat wants it bad.” Gamzee says as he cuts himself a line with his library card.

“No I don't, I'm just hanging out with her, you asshole!” I cross my arms and watch him snort up the powder through a half straw. “You're gonna have a heart attack, Gam.”

“Nah, motherfucker. It's all good. And you want that ass, don't lie to me, brother.” He says.

“She has a boyfriend.” I remind him.

“Miracles, bro. That's all I have to say.” He smiles at me and throws an arm around Terezi. I maintain my face of disapproval, but I'm secretly hoping for a motherfucking miracle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter four to come in a few days. We'll find out what Eridan and Cronus wanted to talk to Nepeta about.


	4. Surgically Removing The Tracking Device

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta doesn't know how to deal with her conflicting emotions for Equius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for dubious consent and sexual abuse at the end of the chapter.

**Nepeta**

“Are you drunk?” Eridan asks me as I carefully climb onto a bar stool. Of course he and his brother had to choose the most difficult seats to get into.

“I don't know, yeah, I guess.” I reply once I've gotten myself steady. “What do you want?”

Cronus slides an arm around my waist and I slap him away from me. He's such a creep, but he's so pathetic it almost hurts so I don't say much.

“Aww, c'mon, pet!” He says.

“Cronus, cut it out! I want to talk to Nepeta seriously. Go away if you're going to be a dick.” Eridan says sternly. Cronus sighs and sits down with some other people at the table.

“Okay, Nepeta.” He says. “I talked to Equius earlier and he said he's not coming tonight, so you're safe. But I just wanted to talk to you about something. And you're really not going to like it.” He sighs and adjusts his scarf. He always seems to be a nervous wreck. It doesn't help that he comes on too strongly to every girl he meets and ends up being rejected either.

“Just tell me. I'm sure it's fine.” I say. But now I'm getting nervous too.

“It's about Equius. I know I've been friends with him for years and I shouldn't even be talking to you about this because I don't want to betray his trust but... I don't know.”

“Eridan, just tell me. What is it?” Now I'm really nervous.

“Maybe this isn't the right time or place actually...”

“Tell me!”

“Gog, okay. I know he's been cheating on you from the very beginning. He told me about it two weeks ago but I haven't known how to tell you.” Eridan closes his eyes and rubs his temples. I stare at him blankly for a second before speaking.

“Who did he hook up with?” I whisper. I knew it was going on, I just wouldn't let myself believe it.

“Oh Gog, Nepeta, with everyone. Not too many people from Sburb but a few of his college friends. I'm so sorry. I always talked to you and tried to make you see... But I just couldn't betray him like that. But you're important to me too now and-” I cut him off.

“Stop. Just shut up. It's okay, I understand.” I say. I close my eyes and the world is spinning. Not just from the alcohol either. I've just realized how incredibly stupid I am. And always have been. And probably always will be. Shit I need to get out of here.

I tell Eridan I need some time as I walk out of the kitchen. I don't know where I'm going. I end up in the bathroom gripping the edge of the sink. When I look at my reflection in the mirror all I see is a stupid little girl. I was just his trophy girl to drag around school and the worst part was that I knew it all along. I just wouldn't fucking admit it. I knew. I knew, I knew,

“I KNEW!” I scream and throw my bag against the wall. I'm too angry to cry. Not even at him. I'm angry at myself for ever trying to believe him. All I want to do is go home and die. I don't know what to do. I can't confront him because I don't know what he'd do. I'm still trapped and I've had enough of it, but I don't know how to get out.

I sit down on the cool tile and lean against the edge of the bathtub. My face is in my hands but I don't dare cry. I just want someone to love me right now. Someone to just hold me and let me cry. I find myself wishing Equius were here and get angry again. _Why do I need him?_ I think. _I could have anyone. I could make anyone love me._

I feel determined now. Determined to get revenge and live the way I want to for one night. I stand up and fix myself up in the mirror. I take off my green jacket and shove it in my bag. I'm wearing a black tank top and all of my cuts and scars are visible now. Perfect. I look broken, some boy will want to _fix_ me now. They love that shit. They like feeling as if they have all the power, as if they're making everything better. Little do they know, I don't need fixing. I'm just using them to get what I want.

I leave the bathroom and go in search of Karkitty. Sollux and Aradia are passionately making out on the floor where I'd seen him last, but no sign of Karkat. I take the vodka we had been drinking and the couple take no notice. I take another drink as I scan the living room. I see Dave Strider sitting in a circle of people smoking pot and ask him if he's seen Karkat.

“Not sure, babe, but he might be in there with Gamzee.” He says, pointing to the den. He's so gorgeous that I consider sitting down with him, but my thoughts are interrupted by an arm sliding around my stomach.

“Hey cutie, how's your night going?” I hear a voice in my ear.

“Ugh! Cronus, fuck off!” I say as I wriggle out of his grip.

“Hey, c'mon. You know I'm so much better than than that skinny dork you're looking for.” He growls. “Gimme one kiss and you'll see.” He licks his lips. I feel uncomfortable with how close he's standing to me, but it's like I don't have the energy to care. I don't want to care. I don't care.

I lean forward and kiss him. He's obviously surprised and startles a bit. I hear the crowd ooohhhing and I break away to laugh. Then I turn around and head for the den. I honestly just _don't care_ anymore.

 

I find Karkat smoking a cigarette in the den with Gamzee, Terezi, and some other people I don't know. His back is turned to me so I drape my arms loosely around his neck, trying to be as seductive as possible.

“Hey, Karkitty.” I purr in his ear. He stiffens up for a moment and then turns his head.

“Oh. Hey Nepeta, uh, is everything okay?” He asks. He looks confused. Silly boy.

“Everything's purrfect!” I think about sitting in his lap but decide against it. He's so skinny that I might break him. I pull a chair next to his and curl up on it, leaning my head on his shoulder. “So what are you guys doing?” I ask as I snatch his cigarette and take a long drag from it. He puts an arm around me and rests his hand on my waist. I rub his thigh with my free hand and feel him tense up again. He's falling for it easy.

“Just chillin', sis.” Gamzee says. “You enjoying yourself?” He raises an eyebrow at me.

“Oh yeah. This is the best.” I take another sip from the bottle and offer it to Karkitty. I wink at him as he takes a drink and he nearly chokes. He coughs and hands the bottle to Gamzee.

“So you're pretty comfy, huh?” Karkat says to me. His hair is falling in his face so I brush it out of the way.

“Meow that I'm with you...” I look up at him, his eyes reveal how nervous he is. I should really do something about that. “Come here.” I say, and pull his face into mine.

“Motherfuckin' miracles! That's what I said, bro!” Gamzee shouts, but we're not paying attention.

Karkitty's lips are soft and warm and he's not pressing too hard. In fact, he's not doing much of anything. It pleases me and irritates me at the same time. The fact that he's gentle is nice, but he's probably not into it if he's being this nice. Equius was always so passionate that he ended up hurting me. But he was so into it that he just couldn't help himself. Maybe I need to do something to make Karkat want me more.

Giggling, I break from his lips and move my mouth up the side of his face. I nibble his earlobe for a moment.

“Let's go somewhere else.” I whisper and I look in his eyes again. They're full of want this time and I grin. Seeing him this way was all I really needed.

We get up and I take his hand. I lead him to the bedroom I'd seen on my way out of the bathroom. Obviously a parent's room. Boring double bed with boring dressers and nothing on the walls. It'll do though. Karkat closes the door and locks it behind him, then pulls me into a kiss. It's too soft again but this time I feel my stomach flutter. I like kissing him this way. Equius was the only boy I'd ever kissed before, and this is so much better.

I push his mouth open with my tongue. I want more of this. I want as much as I can get. He responds with his own tongue and suddenly I'm making out with a strange boy in the bedroom at a high school party. This is so cool. I take a few steps backward and we collapse onto the bed.

I climb on top of him and resume the sloppy make out session. I can feel his hands on my waist, moving down my butt and thighs. So gentle, no squeezing or pinching. I shiver and kiss his neck.

“Mew can be rougher with me, Karkitty.” I say in his ear. Maybe he just isn't sure about what to do and needs me to tell him. “I don't mind.”

“It's okay.” He says. “I like this, it's good.” I look at his face and he's smiling the most gentle smile I've seen on him. He's content, he's happy. I grin and decide to give him more. I slip off my tank top and hear his breath catch in his throat. He runs his hands over my exposed skin and yanks me closer to him. Now that's what I'm talking about. We're kissing furiously now and his hands are all over me but I'm comfortable. I'm always so tense with Equius, anticipating something painful or embarrassing. Karkat makes me feel safe though, and I let my guard down.

I roll over so that he's on top of me. His face is sweaty and he pulls his sweater up over his head. I pull on the hem until he's free and toss it across the room. He grimaces and runs a hand through his hair.

“I hate being shirtless.” He says, looking away from me. I run my hands down his skinny chest. He's more than half my size but I don't care. I like being close to him like this.

“I like it.” I say. “I like you.” I wrap my arms around his neck and he lays down to kiss me again.

“I like you too.” He says.

I feel like my smile is too big for my face so I kiss him again to hide it. I clasp my hands with his and put them over my head. I concentrate on the feeling of his tongue on my lips and his thighs against mine. I was never able to feel this peaceful in bed with Equius. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe it's supposed to be happy and gentle all the time. I want Karkat. I want all of him. I want to erase any trace of Equius from my body and start fresh right here. I unclasp my hands from Karkat's and shove one between us to unbutton his pants.

“Nepeta...” He groans, but it's not out of pleasure. Actually it sounds like he's in agony. I look into his face and see eyes full of regret. No, this can't be happening.

“Nepeta, you... you have a boyfriend. And, and I've never done this before and we're really drunk and maybe this...” He sighs and falls back into a pillow. “This isn't a good idea.” I watch him squeeze his eyes shut and then open them to look into mine. He looks sad.

“But...” I'm trying to hold back tears. “But you said you liked me. I thought... I'm sorry.” Tears start streaming down my face. I can't help it anymore, I'm sniffling and hiccuping and all around ugly crying. I'm scaring Karkat, I know I am, but I don't know what to do.

“It's fine, don't... don't feel bad. I just don't think this is the right time...” Karkat is trying to console me but I'm well past the point of consolation. I am disgusting. I'm a filthy whore. Equius is right, he's the only one who would ever want to fuck me. I feel ashamed for disobeying him. For thinking he could be wrong. I know I'm the one that fucks everything up and I don't know why I try to turn it around on him. He cheated on me because I'm pathetic and horrible. What else did I expect? It's not like I'm a very good girlfriend. Of course he has to go elsewhere. I was lucky to have him and now I've ruined it.

“Nepeta... calm down. I'm sorry I upset you, I didn't mean to.” Karkat's eyes are full of worry now. I look into them with hate this time though.

“GET OUT OF HERE!” I scream between sobs. “JUST GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE!” I curl up into a ball and cover my face. Gog, I just want him to go away. Leave me to my pathetic self.

“I'm sorry. I'll go. I'm sorry!” Karkat jumps back and I hear him fumbling around in the dark for his shirt. Then the door opens and closes and I'm alone. I don't think I've ever felt more alone.

I decide to call Equius. I'll confess everything to him and hope he'll take me back. The phone rings twice before he picks up.

“Hello?”

“Equius, I need you to come get me.” I say between sobs.

“What's wrong, baby? Where are you?” He sounds worried.

“I went to Roxy's party. You were right, I shouldn't do stuff like this. I'm so sorry about everything.”

“It's okay, Nepeta. I'm glad you understand that though. You're bound to make mistakes. I'll be there in twenty minutes. We'll talk about it.”

“Okay.” I'm glad he's being understanding about this. He's so good to me. He really does know what's best for me.

 

I'm back at my house with Equius. He picked me up from the party and I told him everything. We both cried a lot. He's upset that I've betrayed him but he told me he'd give me a second chance. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm happy. I think.

He's holding my hands above my head in a tight grip so I can't move. I'm completely naked and feel too exposed with the lights on. With every thrust of his hips he slams his knees into my thighs and I wince. I've asked him not to, but he doesn't listen. I've long since given up on telling him to stop. He keeps going until he's satisfied and that's that.

He puts his other hand at my throat and presses in with his palm. Then his fingernails dig in. He smiles as I gasp for breath and struggle against him. Eventually I go limp and start to cry. He grins at this and lets go of my neck. I feel him tense up and then collapse on me, breathing heavily from his orgasm. He gets off on seeing me cry.

I roll over and Equius throws an arm around me. As I lay there I think about how sweet and gentle Karkat had been with my body, and how I'd liked it so much. I'm wishing I were back there with him, and feel ashamed of myself.

I am lucky to have Equius. Because no one else could ever love someone who thinks about another person in bed. I am dirty and pitiful, and I have no right to think of Equius negatively. Especially after my behavior tonight.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was difficult to convey the tornado of emotions that goes on in a person's head when they're in this situation. It sounds like Nepeta is crazy, but she's not. She has no idea how to deal with what's going on or how to feel about it. In my situation, I was very naive and was taught that it was okay for him to hurt me during sex. It was hard to wrap my head around a healthy sexual relationship because I didn't know anything else. I had never had a sexual experience before that.  
> In the back of my head I knew it was wrong, which led to risky behavior and losing my inhibitions from time to time, as we see here with Nepeta. I think I did a pretty good job of describing what it feels like to be trapped in a relationship and fighting with yourself over what is right and wrong. 
> 
> You just always need to listen to the little voice in you head before you get wrapped up in something like this.


	5. Of Steel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta and Karkat ditch school to hang out and watch a romance movie. A secret friendship blossoms.

**Karkat:**

“I called her a few times over the weekend and when she finally picked up on Sunday she acted like nothing happened and started talking about her boyfriend. I mean, what the fuck? What the actual fuck is going on?” I've been ranting to Sollux for the past ten minutes since we arrived at school about the whole Nepeta thing. I'm pissed off that she got mad at me and I'm pissed off that she's not going to acknowledge the fact that something happened.

“Maybe she was just being drunk, dude. You should know. You've been a crying wreck after having too much before.” Sollux is disinterested in the whole situation. He's a good guy, but he's not very sympathetic. I really want to talk to Gamzee about this but it's just too embarrassing with him having a girlfriend and all. Logically, I know he wouldn't judge me, but I'm an irrational prick and refuse to talk to him anyway. I sigh heavily.

“Yeah. Okay, maybe I'm making too big a deal out of it. I just thought... I don't know.” I say glumly. We've reached his locker. Rant time is over.

“Kar, forget about it. It was a random thing, she regretted it, that's it. Life isn't like one of your movies, man.” Sollux looks me in the eye and the blunt statement hits me like a sack of bricks. He's right. I was expecting way too much of the situation.

“Yeah. Yeah you're right, Sol. Thanks.” I turn around and head toward my first class of the day, English. Which Nepeta happens to be in. And that's totally fine because I am forgetting about what happened right now and everything is going to be cool. Cool as a fucking cucumber.

I take a deep breath and walk in the door. Nepeta isn't here yet so I sit down and lay my head on the desk. I'm the first one here, besides the teacher. Empty classrooms are so peaceful.

As kids start coming in and taking their seats I wonder where Nepeta is. I want to see her again and talk to her. I don't really even need to talk to her about Friday, I just want to hang out with her again. She's been all I can think about all weekend. I want to bang my head against my desk for developing a crush on her. It was all over the second she told me she liked me. I'm in deep and it fucking sucks.

I see her out of the corner of my eye. She's standing in the doorway talking to Equius. I can't hear what they're saying but I see her tense up when he pulls her toward him for a kiss. He smacks her butt as she turns to walk inside and I feel rage burning inside me. Fucking pig.

“Ahh, I've told you not to do that!” She squeals at him, smacking his chest.

“Ow, don't hit me! I can't help it, you're too cute.” He says with a smirk. “Besides, I can do whatever I please to your ass, Pet.” He squeezes her butt again and I can feel myself losing it.

“Hey, asshole, don't fucking touch her!” I shout at him. I'm out of my seat and stalking toward him. “She asked you not to touch her, you creepy, idiotic shithole!” I'm standing so close to him I can practically smell him. I have to look up to see his face, but I'm not even thinking about my size now. All I want to do is punch him in the face.

“Hey, it's fine! Stop it, Karkat!” Nepeta tries to get between us but neither Equius or I will budge.

“You wanna fight me, little man?” Equius says calmly. He's not even phased by my outburst, which makes me angrier. “Cause, I'm not gonna fight you.” He laughs and I lunge at him, trying to push him backward.

“Karkat, no!” Nepeta yells and jumps at me, slamming me into a wall. When I look at her face there are tears in her eyes. Fuck.

“Alright, that's enough!” The teacher, Mr. Smith stands up at his desk. “Equius, go to class. The bell is about to ring.” He says. “Karkat, Nepeta, come here. I'm writing you both up.”

He starts scribbling on a pad of detention slips and I trudge across the room to his desk. Kids are snickering and whispering. I just freaked out on a guy twice my size, didn't have any affect on him, and was knocked down by a cute girl in front of thirty people. Fantastic. I will never live this down.

“Alright, go see the dean. Both of you.” Mr. Smith sighs, handing us our papers. Nepeta stomps out in front of me and I follow, making an effort not to look at any of my classmates.

 

“Why did you have to do that?” Nepeta turns around to face me in the hallway. She's still fuming and it's one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen. For such a sweet, kind, quiet girl, she sure has a lot of pent up rage in there. I slouch and look away.

“I dunno, he just pissed me off.” I feel like I used up my adrenaline for the day. I don't want to argue with her.

“Well now, thanks to you, I'm going to have to deal with this later!” She says.

“What do you mean?” I finally look at her. Behind the anger, there's fear in her eyes. Suddenly I feel even more uncomfortable.

“He's going to blame this on me, you idiot!” She yells. “He's gonna say that this whole thing is my fault, and I'll have to listen to him bitch at me for days! Why couldn't you just mind your own business?” She lets out a deep breath and her body relaxes. She looks defeated.

“But why would he blame you for what I did?” I ask.

“Because everything is my fault. He blames everything on me, even stuff he does. I try to just not do anything so I don't have to deal with it.” She sighs and I see the tears come back into her eyes.

“Why do you put up with that, Nepeta? It's not fair.” I say in a calm voice. Something's not right about this and I want her to talk to me. More than anything, I want her to trust me.

“I just do.” Her voice is high pitched like she's about to cry. “I'm really sorry about Friday, Karkat.” She says before the tears start to fall.

“No it's fine, it doesn't matter, don't be sorry. You don't have to be sorry. Why are you crying? Um... Do you want to go somewhere else? There might be an empty classroom or-”

“No, let's just get out of here. I don't feel like being here anymore.” She says, wiping her face. “C'mon. Let's go to the park again.” She sniffs and starts walking back into the English wing. I follow her even though I really don't want to ditch school in the middle of a period.

She leads me to one of the back doors and tells me there are never security guards here. Apparently it's really easy to leave this school in the middle of the day, like they want us to ditch or something. We walk side by side in silence to the park. It's oddly comforting to be here, out of school in the middle of the day. Without speaking, we sit down under the same tree we sat under on Friday.

“Nepeta,” I say quietly, “why do you think you have to put up with Equius? Why can't you just stop dating him?” I ask. She looks down at her hands.

“Because I just can't.” Her voice is barely a whisper.

“You can tell me, I won't judge you or anything. I won't tell anyone, I just want to know why... I just want to know if you're really okay.” I shouldn't be prying. I should leave her alone, it's her business and I have no right to know. But I've never really been worried like this about someone before.

“Why should I tell you?” Her voice is stronger now, but wavers a bit. “I don't even know you.” She has a point. We really don't know each other that well.

“I'm just worried about you I guess.” I say. I feel dumb for thinking she would confide in me. She turns to face me again.

“Well you should stop, okay?” She says with a bit of force in her voice. “Let's go to my house and hang out. We're too close to the school.”

“Okay then. Whatever you want to do is fine with me.” I smile at her and she smiles back. She squeezes my hand for a second and my stomach flips.

 

Once again we talk and laugh through the entire walk. It's like nothing ever happened and I like it.

“I still can't believe you like sappy romance movies, Karkitty.” She giggles. Gog, I love the way she calls me Karkitty. Even though it's really cheesy and juvenile and I would probably punch anyone else who called me that. It's funny how things like that work.

“Why not? What's wrong with a guy crying when Jack dies in _Titanic_?” I say jokingly. She laughs.

“Nothing! That's sweet, actually. I just never would have thought you'd be into sappy movies. You're always so hostile and sarcastic. I'd think you'd make fun of them.”

“Nah, I love them. I make fun of RomComs, but in a tender, loving way. RomComs are like the unappreciated middle child that mom loves just a bit less than her other kids.”

“Aw, that's mean!” Nepeta is laughing though. “So what's your favorite movie?”

“Uhh, well I guess it would be _Titanic_. It was the first romance I ever saw. I've been hooked ever since.”

“Yeah, I actually really love that movie. I don't like romance stuff much though.” She says, shrugging.

“What do you mean you don't like romance?” I gawk at her for a moment. “You were just talking about 'Destiel' being your OTP or whatever.” She laughs at this and I smile. She's cute when she's laughing.

“That's... different. Romance movies are all sappy and passionate and stuff. Headcannon is what you want to have happen and how it would happen realistically. Well, the serious stuff is. I don't like romance movies because they end right when the couple is happiest and after some big event has happened. I want to think about them doing cute couple things like arguing over which brand of peanut butter to buy or brushing their teeth together. Just normal stuff that people do, you know?” Nepeta seems distant, like she's deep in thought.

“Yeah.” I say, grabbing her attention. “Yeah, that'd be more realistic but no one wants real. We have to live in the real world all day, so we watch movies to get away from it.” She smirks.

“I suppose a movie about a couple grocery shopping and brushing their teeth would be boring.” She says. “Okay, we're here.”

We've arrived at an apartment complex. She leads me up two flights of stairs to her apartment and unlocks the door. Four cats greet us as we walk in, meowing and rubbing our legs.

“Aww, they're cute.” I say, bending down to pet a fluffy tuxedo cat.

“Yeah, I love cats. They're easier to be around than people.” She says, walking ahead of me. “C'mon, my room is this way.”

Two cats follow us into the bedroom. The walls are green and plastered with posters and drawings. I admire some of her artwork as she opens a laptop and turns on music.

“Come here and sit down.” She says. I turn around and see her curled up on an unmade twin bed. She's looking at me and I feel my stomach flutter again.

“Okay.” I say, sitting on the edge of the bed. “What do you want to do?”

“I dunno.” She says. “We could watch a movie. You can pick one of your sappy lovey films.” She sticks her tongue out at me.

“Alright, fine. Gimme your laptop, I'll find something.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We decided not to go back to school that day. We watched _Romeo & Juliet. _The version with Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio. Nepeta loved it, just like I thought she would. That was two weeks ago and since then we've hung out seven times.

I feel like I'm on top of the world, Nepeta makes me so happy and I love being around her. I feel like I'm on another plane of existence from everyone else. I like her a lot even though she's still with Equius. We never talk about him and I'm glad. She doesn't tell him that she's hanging out with me and our secret friendship is actually really fun. It feels special since no one else knows about it. Gamzee's noticed something's up with me and has tried to talk to me a few times but telling him would ruin it.

I am crazy in love and it's really stupid but I don't even care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I would make excuses but... I can't. Writer's block is over and I am about to start chapter six.  
> Also, with the plot developing like this I may be adding another chapter or two.


	6. Crush'd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nepeta struggles to tell Karkat the truth about her relationship with Equius. Meanwhile, Equius is becoming suspicious of her distant behavior.

**Nepeta:**   
\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] \--

AC: :33 *ac tackles at to the ground*  
AC: :33 hello!  
AT: hEY NEPETA,  
AT: sO, hOW IS EVERYTHING,  
AT: yOU KNOW, wITH KARKAT AND EQUIUS,  
AC: :33 *ac frowns* i don't know  
AC: :33 i like karkitty furry much but  
AC: :33 i'm afraid to break up with equius.  
AT: oH,  
AT: uH, i DON'T MEAN TO BE INVASIVE,  
AT: bUT, uH, eQUIUS IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU,  
AT: i HAVE THE SELF CONFIDENCE TO KNOW YOU WON'T BE ANGRY WITH ME BECAUSE OF THAT STATEMENT, BECAUSE YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND YOU TRUST MY JUDGMENT,  
AT: bUT, uH, i HOPE I DIDN'T OFFEND YOU,  
AC: :33 don't worry you didn't  
AC: :33 and i know that  
AC: :33 i just don't s33 a way to get meowt  
AT: i UNDERSTAND,  
AC: :33 karkitty doesn't understand and wants to talk to him furr me  
AC: :33 i won't let him though  
AT: dOES HE KNOW, aBOUT ANYTHING THAT'S GONE ON,  
AC: :33 no  
AT: wELL, i THINK YOU SHOULD TELL HIM,  
AT: tHEN MAYBE HE'LL UNDERSTAND  
AC: :33 i'm scared to though  
AC: :33 i purrtend equius doesn't exist when i'm with him  
AT: bUT HE DOES,  
AT: i WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY,  
AT: yOU NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT,  
AT: yOU'RE TOO STRESSED,  
AC: :33 i suppaws i do  
AT: yOU HAVE A LOT OF COURAGE, yOU CAN DO THIS NEPETA,  
AC: :33 thanks tavros 

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT] \--

I shut down my laptop and sigh. Karkitty and I have had a great time over the past two weeks and I like him a lot. But Equius is getting suspicious. He keeps asking why I don't want to be around him anymore and I tell him that I do, but I've had a lot of schoolwork to get done. He's been grumpier than usual and my patience with him has been thinning.

Spending time with Karkitty has opened my eyes though. I no longer feel like it's my duty to keep Equius happy. In fact, I'm angry that he thinks that's what I'm for. I've been avoiding him like the plague because being around him disgusts me. But still, I'm afraid to leave him. Because of what he might do to me or even himself. I'm too scared to be faced with that guilt and shame. Tavros told me I'm stronger than I think but I disagree. I still feel weak and pathetic.

My phone buzzes. It's a text from Karkitty.

_WANT TO HANG OUT AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW?_

I smile. I love getting texts from him. I especially love getting invitations to hang out from him.

_:33 sure you can come over_

_OKAY I'LL BE THERE AT 3:15._

I delete the texts immediately and start getting ready for bed. I'm thinking about tomorrow and whether I should tell him about Equius or not. Tavros had a point, Karkitty will never understand why I can't do anything about Equius unless I tell him, but I don't want to tell. And I feel like I'm over reacting. Maybe I'm just weak and can't handle Equius's personality. I mean, it's not like he's _really_ abusing me. I feel like people will think I'm being too emotional and making it up. The thought of telling anyone makes me feel icky. Even telling Tavros was difficult, but I had to after Equius talked to him on my pesterchum account. I still don't know if that was a good or bad thing because now he's always worried about me. All I want to do is be normal and feel normal, and I get to do that with Karkitty. If he knows everything he'll look at me differently. It won't be the same and I can't take that on top of everything else.

The other day I took off my jacket and he saw my cuts and scars. He hadn't noticed them the night of the party. He asked me about them and I tried to shrug it off, but then he lifted his own sleeves and showed me his arms. They're all cut up just like mine. It meant a lot to be able to talk to him about it, even if it does make us cliché emo kids.

The thing is that he spilled his life story to me and I couldn't tell him why I hurt myself too. I talked about middle school and those issues and the scars that resulted from them, but when he asked about the recent ones I just shrugged and told him it was no big deal. He didn't pry, he's stopped trying to get into my head like that, but I have this feeling that he knew. So maybe telling him wouldn't be so bad after all.

 

Eventually I fell asleep. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that's going on; lying to Equius, telling Karkat the truth, breaking up with Equius, liking Karkat more than I should, and about a million other things. I woke up this morning feeling more stressed than when I went to bed and couldn't focus in any of my classes.

I'm waiting for Equius by the front doors of the school as I do every afternoon after dismissal. Karkitty walks by with Sollux and Gamzee and gives me a curt nod, which I return. I almost giggle at our impeccable acting skills. No one is the wiser.

Equius saunters over and puts his arm around me.

“So, can I come over today?” He asks. I bite my lip and take a breath before answering.

“Not today, I have a lot of homework.” I'm not lying at all. I said I _had_ a lot of homework. Not that I planned on _doing_ said homework.

“Do it later.”

“I can't, I'm failing two classes!” I say.

“How are you failing two classes?” Equius scoffs. “My freshman year was so easy. I never did anything and still got A's.” My throat burns with things I want to scream at him but I don't let them out.

“I don't know, I'm just not doing well.” I shrug and look down at the pavement as we walk to his car.

“You're acting weird lately.” He says, eying me suspiciously. “Are you hiding something from me?” We're standing by his car but he's blocking the passenger door so I can't get in.

“No, why would I be hiding something from you?” I take my phone out of my bag to check the time. It's snatched out of my hand before I can do anything. “Hey, what the hell?” I shout. Equius has my phone in his hand and is looking through different folders and menus.

“What? Are you in a hurry to do something?” He says accusingly. “Or see someone?” He looks me in the eye and I feel like I'm shrinking into the ground.

“No.” I whisper.

“Who've you been talking to? That fucking skinny asswipe you fucked?” He shouts at me.

“No! I haven't talked to him at all. I didn't fuck him. I told you I was sorry.” I can feel my eyes burning with tears, and the eyes of others all around me. “Look, you can see the only people I've been talking to are you and my mom and stuff. You can see right there!” I point at my phone in his hand. He presses a few buttons and looks through my text messages.

“Fine.” He says, shoving the phone into my chest. He walks around to the driver's side door and gets in. I just stand frozen in the parking lot.

“Are you getting in or what?” Equius shouts out the window.

I scramble to open the door and get into the car. When I'm situated he turns to look at me.

“I'm sorry. You know how I get though.” Equius says. He kisses me on the cheek and starts the car. Some apology.

He drives me to my building and lets me out at the front door. He's not happy about me refusing to let him in, but he doesn't argue. I let myself in the front and run to the back of the building where Karkitty is waiting for me at the back door.

“Hey, what took so long? I feel like I've been here forever.” He stops talking when he sees my face. “What's wrong?” He asks.

“Just fighting with Equius.” I reply. “C'mon. Let's go upstairs.

 

“Do you mind me asking what happened?” Karkitty asks. We're sitting on my bed now like we usually do. I sigh and think about what Tavros said last night. I should really tell the truth.

“He's just pissed at me for not spending as much time with him as I used to.” I say. “And he accused me of seeing you behind his back. I'm afraid this whole thing is going to fall apart.” I look at my hands clasped neatly in my lap. Now's not the time for drawing.

“What do you want to do?” He says quietly. I can hear sorrow in his voice.

“I... I really want to get away from him.” I say.

Karkat perks up.

“Nepeta, you know I'll be behind you whatever happens with him.”

I look up at him. I realize how eager he is to stick with me. He's really being honest.

“I just don't know if I can handle breaking up with him. But I can't handle being with him either. I don't know what to do, it's like... it's like he has me trapped.”

“But why? What could he possibly do?” He asks me, looking right into my eyes. I know I need to tell him everything.

“He... Well he threatens to kill himself all the time. And he said if I leave him he'll kill himself and it'll be my fault.” I'm speaking as if we're talking about the weather, no emotion, slight smile on my face. But I don't look him in the eye. I feel so ashamed and I'm not quite sure why. Karkat just stares at me for a moment.

“But you know that's not your fault, Nepeta. He's a dickface for even saying that to you! Shit that he does has nothing to do with you!” He says, his voice steadily rising. My eyes sting with tears again.

“But you don't understand! He told me he'd do it, so his death would be my fault because I didn't listen.” Now my voice is high-pitched. I knew tears would come sooner or later. “And that's not even all, he said he'd tell everyone it was my fault. He said he'd make everyone hate me and no one really even likes me in the first place!” I take a deep breath and shut my eyes as I lean back against the wall. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. It's like I'm relieved and angry and sad and ashamed all at once.

“He can't do that, he's bluffing. He's just trying to make you feel bad! That's not okay!” Karkat grips my hands in his. “You can't listen to him when he says this shit!”

“But he's hurt himself before when I've done stuff he didn't like. He's hurt himself and then told me it's my fault. I feel like it is. It seems like it is even though I know that it isn't. I don't know how to explain it, I don't even know how I feel anymore and it's so stupid.”

Karkat looks at me in silence. His face is the most serious I've ever seen it.

“That's fucked up, Nepeta. No one is supposed to do that. He's fucking with you to make you feel bad. Nothing he does is your fault, it can't be.” He says.

“I know that!” I shout. Karkat looks taken aback. “But it just feels like it is. I just can't explain it. I'm always so scared of hurting him... Even though he hurts me all the time.”

If it's even possible, Karkat's eyes grow wider.

“What do you mean?” He asks. I don't say anything. I can't say anything so I just shake my head. Karkat gently separates my hands from each other and holds them lightly in his own.

“It's okay, you don't have to tell me.” He says softly. “I get it, don't worry.” I look into his compassionate eyes and feel the shame leaving my body. Karkitty isn't judging me or pitying me. He understands now.

“Thank mew.” I whisper, and lean forward to kiss him softly. He smiles when I pull away. I whisper,“I don't want to be with him anymore. I like you, Karkitty.” I'm not sure if that was okay to tell him but I don't know when I'll have the courage to say it again. It's now or never.

Karkat looks confused for a minute and my stomach clenches up. Oh god, what is he thinking? Oh no, I fucked up. I start to pull away from him to apologize but he puts his arms around me and hugs me.

“I really like you too, Nepeta.” He says softly in my ear. I feel like a light is spreading through my body, making me glow with happiness. He pulls back from the hug and kisses me, making my whole body tingle. I grab his face to kiss him harder and I feel his fingers digging into my waist. I open my mouth and caress his tongue with mine. He pulls me closer to him and I lower my hands to his shoulder blades, holding him tightly against me. I like the feeling of his body pressed into mine and his hands on my back and through my hair. I feel happy here kissing my Karkitty.

He leans over and I move with him so that we're laying on our sides, one of my legs between his and the other on top of him. Neither of us playing the dominant role yet. I'm running my fingers up and down his spine and making him shiver. He's wrapping my hair around his left hand and inching his right hand up under my shirt. I can feel his erection against my thigh and it makes me want more of him. I'm going slowly this time though, I don't want to rush something this nice.

I'm glad we didn't have stupid drunk sex at Roxy's party. I like this. Both of us are in our right minds, enjoying each other without fear of making a mistake. I hope he's happy. I find myself wondering what he's thinking...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aha  
> Ahahahah!  
> AHAHAHAHAHAHHH!
> 
> Sexual cliffhanger. I'm nearing Hussie-level sadism.   
> The next chapter will be porn.  
> So. Much. Porn. ok? I promise. I just want it to be from Karkat's POV and since I've been switching them with each chapter it seems wrong to switch in the middle of a chapter.


	7. Ants In My Pants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Porn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg I finally updated!! Okay, chapters should be more frequent now. And I'll be adding one or two for sure.

**Karkat:**

 

My brain feels like one of those panic scenes in a movie. Where everyone is rushing around and yelling and dying trying to fix whatever is happening. I'm trying to process everything Nepeta has told me and I'm trying to focus on kissing her and I'm trying not to poke her with my boner and this is too many things for me to think about at once.

Okay, just think about making out with Nepeta, mating is a primal instinct... I have instincts don't I? Kiss, girl, good. Yeah, that's primal. I try to relax a little bit and feel her hand on the back of my neck, fingers sliding into my hair. That feels good. I do the same to her. If I follow her lead I can't fuck up, right?

She's just so soft and she feels so good that I'm freaking out about it. I've wanted this to happen again since the second we stopped at Roxy's a few weeks ago. I'm nervous, I don't want to do something stupid and make her stop liking me.

Suddenly I feel something amazing. The tip of her tongue is caressing the roof of my mouth. Holy. Shit. I feel it slide across my teeth and I can't help myself. I hold on to her hair and twist it around my wrist like I'm afraid the sheer passion of that tongue thing will blow us apart. Nepeta makes a soft noise and cranes her neck back for a moment before kissing me even harder. I feel like we'll mold into one being if we press into each other any more and it just makes me want to get even closer to her. She's moving her knee against my crotch and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. 

I've got the hang of it now. Kissing Nepeta feels natural. A rush of excitement goes through my body every time she signals that she likes something. And I like everything she's doing to me. I slip my pointer finger under the hem of her shirt and caress her belly skin. She is softer than anything I've ever felt. And warm. And squishy. I now know why they call this part a love handle. I love handling it. She must like it too because she slides her hands up the back of my shirt and runs a finger down my spine. I shutter a bit and gasp. Feeling her skin against mine makes me want more. I think she wants more. I should do something... I should take another step... This decision is more difficult whilst sober. 

I bite her lower lip and she presses into me, gasping. I feel her fingernails press into my skin and I suck her lip into my mouth for a moment. Then I feel it, I don't know how I didn't notice it before. Yeah she's rubbing my dick with her knee, _but she's also rubbing her own crotch against my leg_. 

_She wants it._ I think. _Holy crap she wants to fuck me._

I shove my hand up her shirt and she adjusts herself for my arm to fit between us. In my haste to find a boob I break away from Nepeta's mouth. For a moment I feel awkward laying there with my hand in her shirt, but she turns her head and starts kissing my neck. I sigh as she moves her mouth up and down before settling on a spot to suck on. I feel like the temperature went up a hundred degrees in a second. I resume finding second base. My palm is sweaty against her smooth skin and I hope she doesn't think I'm gross. I cup my hand over her breast and she thrusts against my leg again. She has a bra on but her breast is falling out of the cup at this angle. I rub her nipple with my thumb and squeeze it a bit. My hard on is aching now and I quiver each time Nepeta's knee brushes it. She kisses my lips softly and wriggles her arm out from under my head. Disappointment fills my body as I feel her warmth leave me. But she's only sitting up to remove her shirt. 

I watch her closely from my excellent position below her. She lifts the shirt above her head and drops it behind her. She smiles seductively at me but I notice her arms shaking a bit. I sit up with her and wrap my arms around her waist. 

“Are you okay?” I ask.

“Yeah.” She whispers. “Are you?” 

I think about it for a second.

“Yeah,” I say, “nervous.”

“Me too” she says. She sounds relieved and then giggles a bit before tightening her grip on my collar and pulling me in for a kiss. 

“I like it though.” She adds between kisses.

“It's good, yeah.” My breaths between each word are heavy. Her hands are gripping my sweater now and pulling it up over my head. I hold my arms up and she pulls the sleeves off of my hands. I don't know where the shirt goes, I'm too busy leaning into Nepeta. Too busy lowering myself into the bed with her. Too busy being on top of her and sliding my fingers under the wire of her bra. I break away from her lips to kiss her chest. She's sliding a hand behind herself and suddenly the evil bra is loose. I lift it off of her and toss it away. Her breasts are perfect. I lean into her chest and kiss her nipple. It tenses up and I open my mouth, letting my tongue sit there for a second before lightly sucking on it. I hear Nepeta's breath catch and know I'm doing something right. My free hand is exploring her stomach and breast. She takes it in her hands and pulls my fingers to her lips. I look up at her as she kisses each one and sucks on them lightly while looking into my eyes. I don't know why it's erotic, but it makes me want to ravage her. I throw a knee over her and kiss her mouth again. It feels different though. Like we're kissing for a purpose now, kissing to get somewhere else. The make out session was nice, but we're headed in a different direction now and I like it. 

She's sucking on my mouth like she needs it now and I'm returning it with everything I have. I feel like my lips will be sore later from all of this. She bites my bottom lip and I feel her hips move upward. My stomach flips over as I run my hands down to her hips and feel the waistline of her jeans. Only one little thing separating us now. I slide my thumbs under the fabric and rub her pelvic bone, feel the way they dip toward the middle of her, like an arrow telling me where to go. She squirms a bit underneath me and opens her legs. I lift my knees for her as she slides her legs underneath them. I'm between her now, I'm so close. 

Now her hands are on my jeans. She has them unbuttoned and pushed down my thighs along with my underwear in what feels like a second. Our lips are apart now and I watch her look at what she's doing between our bodies. She bites her lip and grasps the base of my penis, gently moving her hand up and down. I close my eyes and let out an enormous sigh of pleasure. No girl has ever touched me there. I don't want it to stop. After a few moments of sheer enjoyment I look down at Nepeta. Our eyes meet and she licks her lips. Before I know what I'm doing, I'm kissing her again. Harder, with more passion. She and I are both pushing her jeans down her thighs and I feel her shake her foot out of one pant leg. Her underwear went down with the ship and I press my hand between her legs. She's so hot down here I feel like she could burn me. And she's wet. Moisture seeps through my fingers and I'm surprised at the way it feels sexy to have it all over my hand. I rub her for a minute and then locate the entrance with a finger. I press into it and she gasps. I feel myself smiling and slip the rest of my finger in. It's really tight and I wonder if I'll fit inside her. Oh my Gog... Inside her. Is this actually happening? 

I move my finger in and out of her until she lets a little moan out.

“Hold on.” She whispers, ans smiles at me. She reaches into her pillow case and takes out a condom. I swallow and feel my legs give a little. It's actually happening. She kisses me and I feel her shake too. I'm not the only one who's nervous. 

The condom is more difficult to put on with shaking virgin fingers than I thought it would be. Nepeta helps me get it on and then lays back into the pillow. I lower my face to hers and we kiss. I feel her hand on my shaft again, guiding me to where I need to go. She moves her hips upward and I sit up, pressing into her like I did with my finger. I make little progress but her breath catches in her throat anyway. I thrust again and feel her moisture. It almost feels like my dick is being sucked into her and I thrust into her harder this time. I make it halfway and I feel like we're both going to explode from the anticipation before we actually get to have sex. She takes a hold of my thighs and pulls herself up me, pushing me farther inside of her and I grunt when I feel her muscles tighten. 

Our breathing speeds up as we move together like this. She pulls, I thrust, and I make some noises I know I'll be embarrassed about later. Nepeta's head is rolled backward and her mouth is slightly open. I lean forward to kiss her and she digs her nails into my back. I thrust harder into her and feel myself reaching the end of the line. I grip her thighs and start moving faster. She's making small sounds of pleasure and I try to think of something sexy to say but lose my train of thought when she moves her hips into me. I feel my eyes start to roll back into my head and I see stars as I come.

I sigh in pleasure and my body feels numb. Nepeta lowers her legs and I lay on my back next to her, unsure of what to do with myself. That was... intense. I want to say something but I don't think I'm even capable of making words right now.

She turns toward me and nuzzles into my chest. I listen to our breathing grow more steady with each passing minute. 

“I, uh... Did you like... Get there?” I ask in a completely unsexy manner. She props her head up on her hand and looks at me.

“No,” she looks apologetic. “But it's harder for girls I guess. It takes a long time. I don't care though, I liked it anyway.” She grins at me and then lays her head on my shoulder. I play with her hair absentmindedly. I probably sucked. She's probably disappointed.

But then again, she is still cuddling with me naked. I couldn't have sucked that bad. 

I just lost my virginity. My motherfucking virginity! I feel like something about me should feel different. Like I should have gained the knowledge of a true man or something. But I just feel tired and awkward because I'm thinking about having to stand up and find my clothes and put them back on in front of Nepeta. Why does no one tell you that the aftermath of sex is so painfully awkward? They should really tell kids that in Sex Ed because it's a better reason to stay abstinent than any other. Why isn't she saying anything? Should I be saying something? I have no idea. They never show this part in porn. 

Nepeta sighs. “I can't be with Equius anymore. I want to break up with him.” She whispers.

Fuck. I forgot about him.


End file.
